scrapologie

beginnings and endings

Hello, friends. I've been absent for over a year, for a number of reasons. My life has changed dramatically over the course of a year. Here's a quick update of things that have happened in 2014: 

I accepted a new position as a Learning and Performance Consultant with my employer in April and started my new role in May. Not only was this a considerable promotion for me, but it also was the dream job which I had been working to achieve for nearly a year prior to receiving the offer. I was blessed to find a wonderful, intelligent and caring mentor who helped me position myself for an interview and subsequently a job offer. It is an understatement to say I love my job. I wake up with a smile on my face every morning and realize what a difference it makes when you are engaged in work that is meaningful and relevant. I have a dream job, dream boss and a dream team of co-workers. I couldn't be more grateful for the blessings I have received! 

Along with this wonderful new beginning, there were also many endings. I separated from my spouse of twenty years in May. I will attest that marriages can, in fact, end gracefully with mutual respect and friendship. We are at peace and remain friends for the sake of our daughter, but also because we are both just good human beings at the core of our existence. A lot of people don't get this. They don't understand why we will continue to celebrate Christmas together, or vacation together for the sake of our child, so that she grows up understanding that though her parents are no longer married, and though they are no longer in love, they can treat each other with respect and dignity. At the end of the day, they love each other as human beings, and for what they were able to learn from one another. I don't expect everyone to get that. And that's okay.

There were other endings - one that was unbelievably tough for me. In August, my older sister passed away very unexpectedly, leaving three motherless sons and a grieving family. Her death brought into focus the fragility of life and how short our time is on earth. It made me resolve to live life fully, with gratitude each and every day. It made me resolve to embrace every relationship and to choose happiness and kindness above everything. I think about her often and I know her spirit is present. 

In August, I was also accepted to the graduate program (MS in Instructional Design and Performance Technology) at Franklin University. I started the program and with two classes under my belt and a 4.0 average, I am very proud of my accomplishments. It isn't easy holding down a full time job, being a single parent, going to school and making the A's I should have gotten as an undergraduate student. But I am proof that it can be done. I was once told that I would never make it into graduate school and there was no point even trying with my lackluster undergraduate performance. I was told that no credible program would accept me. WRONG. Every person deserves a second chance. Everyone who falls deserves a chance to get up again and fly. Don't ever let the naysayers bring you down - if you listen to them long enough, you start to believe their negativity. 

Shortly before Christmas, Alekha asked me to give her photos of the two of us together so she could make a handmade Christmas present for me. I struggled to find photos of the two of us together. There were countless photos I had taken of her alone, in my quest to document her life, and many of Alekha with her daddy. I then found the photo below of the two of us at her birthday party last summer. I realized I need to take more photos with her - so she remembers her childhood, in the Summer and Autumn of her own life, and she remembers that she had a mother who loved her wildly. The picture below is not perfect, but I love it - because in it, I see how much I love her, and how much I love being her mother. There is nothing more important, satisfying or meaningful to me than my love for her and the time we spend together.

I'm still in a whirlwind of activity, and will be for the next year and a half, but I wouldn't have my life any other way right now. I continue to make memories for and with my daughter, and above all, I strive to live my life with grace. 

Happy 2015 to you, dear friend. Wishing you peace, love that knows no walls, and grace in everything you do. Let your light shine from within. 

Love,

Ranjini

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello friends...

 

 

Hello friends, I've missed blogging and making art, but I never stop thinking about both. I've been exceptionally busy this year. I hope you've been well. For me, this has mostly been a year of learning to balance home, work, motherhood, friendships and health while still taking time to pursue some of my interests. Here are some of the things I've been up to this year:

- Work has amped up busier than ever. I've been meeting regularly with three mentors at work and have been researching a career change while maintaining my current job. Recently, my employer agreed to finance my masters degree, for which I am so very grateful!

- As a result of the above, I've applied for the graduate program in Instructional Design and Performance Technology at Franklin University and plan to start coursework this January.

- I was selected for my employer's regional Diversity and Inclusion Council, promoting cultural and diversity themed events at my company, in the capacity of an event coordinator. This has been immensely rewarding for me; I've been able to help promote diversity awareness and educate our workforce about the importance of embracing diversity. Our world is changing, and with it, our attitudes and the way in which we view those who are different from us must change as well, if we are to succeed in working together to build a better future for generations to come.

- My little girl turned 10 this year. She's been very busy herself with her own activities. She reads voraciously, has been involved in gymnastics, Girl Scouts and Kumon, and was one of 6 girls from her school selected by OSU's Women In Engineering for their Jasz Bots program which is affiliated with First Lego League. This team of fifth grade girls meet with female grad students in OSU's engineering department twice a week, for two and a half hours after school. Together, they have researched a topic on FLL's theme this year (Nature's Fury) and are working on ideas and ways to combat their chosen environmental disaster (wildfires). In addition, they have built and programmed a Lego robot; the team will compete utilizing their robot at an upcoming event in December. It's a great introduction for girls to a potential future career in engineering.

- I've continued my commitment to fitness and nutrition, continuing to hit the gym 5 nights a week, both cardio as well as weights/resistance training and core exercises.

- I've become very interested in organic foods and natural wellness products, as well as meditation and wellness in general.

- I've connected with old friends and made several new ones. I have enjoyed the fulfillment brought by these relationships, and particularly by doing for and helping others when I can, as I am grateful for the love and help they constantly give me.

- I made some time for fun as well, traveling to Orlando and Disney with Alekha in mid-October, during Epcot's Food and Wine Festival. We also got to visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios, which Alekha and I both loved!

- I've continued my pursuit of photography, though I haven't had time to sit down and edit photos!

- I spent some quality time with my parents, who I love dearly and are slowing down a bit.

- Lastly, I spent a lot of time in quiet reflection and introspection, pondering the life I'd like to lead, the things I have yet to do, the places I've yet to see and the memories I have yet to make.

I am happy, and life has been good. I do miss blogging and keeping in touch with all my online friends, but think of you all frequently, and wish you all happiness and peace. I am looking forward to what 2014 brings.

“...I want first of all - in fact, as an end to these other desires - to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. I want, in fact - to borrow from the language of the saints -to live 'in grace' as much of the time as possible. I am not using this term in a strictly theological sense. By grace I mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony...”
(Anne Morrow Lindbergh)

Much Love,

Ranjini

 

 

 

I resolve

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance". (Oscar Wilde)

I'm not one for making a long list of new year resolutions, I'd rather focus on one or two things. Last year I wanted to achieve health and fitness goals - to lose weight, build muscle, tone and strength. I've nearly reached that goal. This year, my resolve is to build my internal strength as well. For me, that means upholding what I will and will not accept in my relationships with others, and what I will and will not accept in my life. I resolve to hold true to those beliefs I value most, regardless of what others think and believe about me, and above all, to respect and honor myself. I've learned that I am my own best friend and my own worst critic. This is the year I become fearless about showing my face to the world.

 

This is the year that I begin my love affair with me. This is the year I gaze starry eyed at my own goals and dreams instead of gazing starry eyed at another.

 

 

 

This is the year I revitalize not just my body, but my mind and my soul as well. I wish you a happy, healthy and peaceful 2013!

 

Hold close the ones you love.

The news of the shooting at the school in Connecticut has been on my mind for the last few days, and reminds me to cherish every moment with my little one. The light of an innocent life can be put out so unexpectedly and quickly. My heart goes out to every victim of that tragedy. Gather your loved ones and hold them close, for they are what truly matters. When it comes down to it, love is all there is. Love is everything. 

Sharing a video of my own little one's first year of life. I've been feeling nostalgic for her baby days and seeing this video reminds me even more of what a precious gift our children are, they are truly blessings placed in our arms by heavenly angels. Peace to you and yours.

gift of the heart

                                                                                    -photo via Pinterest

“The little space within the heart is as great as the vast universe. The heavens and the earth are there, and the sun and the moon and the stars. Fire and lightning and winds are there, and all that now is and all that is not. “  ~ The Upanishads

 

Return to the Sea

"We are all just looking for some kind of happiness. Sometimes things work out for us, and sometimes they don't. It really doesn't matter. Eventually all our hopes and fears are going to dissolve, and at the end of our lives, according to all the deathbed reports we've ever received, the only thing that will matter is how loving and brave we've been. All those dying people can't be wrong when they say that all the things you want and all the things you dread are just like waves in the ocean. Eventually they just become reabsorbed into the vast play of the sea. And you know what? The ocean doesn't care. It never gives up. It can accommodate it all, gentle waves that lap the shore and those that roil up ferociously, tiny tidal pools and great, freezing depths. The real secret, the great ones say, is that we are much more like the ocean than the waves. Underneath all our hopes and fears is profound stillness and the memory of how to return to it." (Susan Piver)

Read this quote today and it resonated deeply with me. This puts it all in perspective; loss and disappointments lose their significance when I realize that there is something grander at work, that we are all interconnected, and part of something much larger than we can scarcely imagine. That regardless of our professions and our endless quests for glory and recognition, our soul's work is to learn how to love one another. In the meantime, we each count the days and make the days count, until we return to be claimed by the sea.      

 

And I ran.

Six months ago, I hauled a bag of size 6 and 8 clothing that I had held onto for years, to my Goodwill store, convinced I would never fit into those clothes again.

Fast forward to November 2012. I am 45 pounds lighter and as a result, in possession of a new wardrobe, including jeans in a size 8. I am stronger physically, mentally and emotionally. I am in better health, and my body is in better shape than it was in my twenties. Friends and family have asked how I did it. I eliminated the word "can't" from my vocabulary and decided to RUN, that's all. I made a conscious decision that no matter how slow I went, how awkward I looked, how tough it was, I was going to hang in there. At first I ran barely a minute, and then had to revert to walking for 10 or 15. Today, I am running at a speed of 4.5 to 5 with a 1.0 incline on the treadmill. I run for 45-55 minutes straight, usually ending up a little over four miles in an hour, with 15 minutes of walking included in that hour, followed by another half to one hour of resistance training and a commitment to eating healthy and clean. Mondays are an exception - I go in for a 55 minute spinning class instead. But five out of the six other days of the week I am running, without fail.

Others have presumed I lost the weight "for" someone. It wouldn't have happened until and unless I was ready to lose the weight for myself. The most amazing thing that happened in the process was the realization that I am a runner. Running saved me. Running made me realize that I AM the athlete I always wanted to be. Running forces me to let go of things over which I have no control, and to seize the reins of that which I do. Running inspires me to work for the best body I could possibly ever have. Running gives me an uninterrupted hour every day to focus on God, and to work on developing my inner faith. Running challenges me to push myself to achieve what I previously thought impossible. Running is the voice of the coach screaming at me to keep going when my heart threatens to leap out of my chest, sweat dripping from every pore, and every limb and muscle wants to collapse and give up. Running courses through my veins and calls to me every single day with a voice that will not be silenced or ignored until its demands are met. Running silences all of the doubts and fears and negative thoughts that held me hostage for years. Running leaves me feeling exhausted, grateful, happy, whole and strong. I don't run for anyone else. I run for me. I run because I can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A letter to my daughter

Dear Alekha,

All mothers are excited about the birth of a baby, but I want you to know that I waited for you for what seemed like an eternity. There were long childless years without you, years when I gazed with a heart full of longing at the chubby, rosy cheeked babies that I encountered everywhere. When you arrived, my heart was filled to bursting. I had always read about the love that happens to a woman after the birth of a child, and had often imagined what it would be like. I was ill-prepared for the onslaught of maternal love and the fierce protectiveness that you brought on. I was prepared to slay dragons for you, and felt that I could singlehandedly decimate anyone who tried to harm you.

Nine years have passed since that blissful first year of your birth, and the feelings have not disappeared, but only gotten stronger. You make me laugh at the things you say, you amaze me with your creativity and intelligence, you humble me with your kind, selfless nature, you overwhelm me with your love, and you make me realize that if I accomplish nothing else in life, it matters little, because you are my greatest work of art.

You used to worry that a younger brother or sister would diminish the love I have for you, and I always assured you that could never happen. I always told you that the miraculous thing about love is this: the more you give away, the more you create. You must have finally learned that lesson, for lately, you've been asking for a little sister and don't understand when I tell you it's unlikely that would happen at this point. You asked me today if I was happy that I only had one child. I hugged you in response and told you that I couldn't be happier with the gifts God has given me. Yes, I am happy to have this one child, and I am happy that child is you.

 

The test of faith

 

Apparently, the universe heard me, in my last post. A few short days after posting, Bobby lost his job in a layoff. I was devastated at first, as we were coming off of an exeptionally tough year in 2010 anyway. But I can't help but feel at times that it is the universe's message to both of us, to push us in a different direction, and to help me to strengthen my faith, to find courage in tough times. He wasn't happy where he was and I knew in my heart it wasn't the right place for him. Once we got over the initial shock, I began to see that it might be a message from the universe telling us that it was not where he was meant to be. I've done a lot of soul searching since it happened and through my sorrow have realized that when one door closes, it is because another is meant to open, somewhere, somehow. Thank you all for your very insightful comments. I read them all and am comforted knowing that I am not alone on this journey. I'll try to post more but am swamped in CHA projects just now. So in the meantime, here's a valentine card I created for the JBS Inspiration blog.

 

 

 

A cup of faith

 

Being that I am not a religious person, (which is not to say I am not a spiritual person), it's a bit ironic that my word for this year is faith. I think I need an extra large helping of it. I happen to work with someone who comes to work every day, with a smile on her face and a spring in her step. I had to stop and ask her what enables her to live in light each day. I suspected it was her faith, and it turned out I was right. I felt it was a lesson for me. Though I grew up with a very religious grandmother and parents who always were open with me about their faith, I couldn't understand why I had a hard time connecting with a higher power. But as I have grown older, I have begun to realize it's what is missing from my life, and why I feel so discombobulated. Having said that, I am not a good candidate for any kind of organized religion. It's a much more private connection for me. I feel very uncomfortable wearing my faith on my sleeve, much less even discussing it on my blog. But I am throwing it out there today, sort of an SOS to the universe that I am ready for introspection, for meditation, for connection with a higher power. And that will be my charge this year, to find that which connects me to every other living being on this planet and to take comfort in knowing that I have a purpose, that there is meaning to this life.

"There are only two ways to live... one is as though nothing was a miracle...the other is as if everything is..."   -Albert Einstein